Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*