Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.