I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
gentlemen, hear me out
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift