I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’