One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.