Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
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The Joker was right
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This makes total sense…
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks