My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.