Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.