It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
You Might Also Like
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*