A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.