you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”