My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
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My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off