A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Meowchelangelo
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*