me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.