So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
ouch
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
This dude got his own movie?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?