Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I was bored.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.