Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The smoothest fall of all time
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf