I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven