My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I am having an out of money experience.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.