Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.