Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Just a phase…
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Monday Lisa
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.