My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I think they could have phrased this better
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.