They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids