I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
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me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”