[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Effort made
Nice try, poison.
What’s a Messi?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Cat.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it