Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I want what they have
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends