Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments