Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Lmao the reply
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.