*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.