Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
smartest karate player in the world
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Ladies, why y’all do this?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom