We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.