Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
A friend helps you before you need it
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates