Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too