I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.