friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
synchronized noseblowing
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
🙅🏻
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.