I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
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[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica