Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth