Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”