Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*