Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.