I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
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I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
What kind of a cult is this?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.