Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
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ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
A double negative is a big no-no.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.