I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Saturday
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.