Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
You Might Also Like
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
*mops up wine with cat*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on