DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Florida be like…
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.