My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
is it earth
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I triple waxed for this?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs