<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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God has abandoned us.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
black phone good
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back