Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.