Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field