[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
You Might Also Like
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
inside you are two wolves
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao